Waiting is the Worst
by KaliTracer
Summary: This inaction, this waiting shouldn't be this difficult, but Roxy hates it nonetheless.


Prompt: Roxlin + "You need to wake up because I can't do this without you."

* * *

Roxy thought she knew what to expect. After all, hadn't she witnessed it enough with Harry and Eggsy? She could count on one hand the number of times she had watched one or the other sit at their lover's beside, near mourning for the other being in a coma. Every time, she had been support, a lifeline for them to know that they weren't alone and to pull them away when they needed to remember to take care of themselves for a change.

But then, she had never figured that _she_ would ever have to be the one sitting at a lover's bedside. She was the one in the field. She was the one putting her life on the line, dodging bullets and missiles and jumping out of planes…it was never supposed to be her.

Of course, she had never seen that mission turning the way it had. Back-up had been needed, and Merlin had come. He hadn't hesitated to leave his safe haven to come for her all because her cover had been blown and she had managed to get kidnapped in one fell swoop.

Eggsy and Harry had been en-route too, finishing up from another mission, but it had been Merlin to reach her first. To arrive with the necessary ransom to get her back.

It would have been perfectly executed until the briefcase of money exploded too soon, making them have to shoot their way out the building. Roxy had been weak-four days with little to drink and near nothing to eat had sapped her strength. She had tried, and Merlin seemed to know he would be taking the brunt of the fire-fight. Oh how she hated herself for being too weak then, for not having the reserves to pull on, for letting him take point.

Because then it would have been her getting shot instead of him. She would have been the one dropping to the floor, bleeding out so fast all over the floor- it had been so much blood coating her hands, making the gun slippery when she raised it up to return fire.

She couldn't have even lifted him to save him. Roxy tried, goddamn it she did. Her arms wouldn't support him, no matter how she tried to carry him, and hit the floor three times before Merlin had drew her close begging her to just let him go, _to save herself_.

Screaming, she refused. She reminded him of his promise to love her, to be with her, demanding to know what she would do without him.

His simple _I love you, darling_ before shutting his eyes had made her yell out with what was left of her voice. Gone was the Kingsman agent, left in her place was the scared girl who had talked herself through every day of her life- had built this life as a home because she had never truly had a real one-only to be watching it dying in front of her eyes.

Harry and Eggsy should win some sort of timing award, she mused. They were true knights, a strange twirl of power and precision. They worked together like they had always known where the other would be and reacted accordingly.

Without a word, Harry had scooped up Merlin like he had been carrying him around his entire life. Eggsy in turn pulled Roxy along, shooting them a path as he led the way.

The plane had been quiet, Harry doing all he could to save Merlin as Eggsy got them in the air. Roxy had slumped into one of the seats, waiting for instructions from Harry. She had been staring at Merlin's closed eyes before dropping into the waiting blackness.

Now, as Roxy smoothed her trousers before sitting awkwardly in the chair she had seen others in so many times, she wondered why she ever thought she would ever be immune. The audacity of her pride to assume that she would be exempt from this price.

Shaking her head, she gently took Merlin's hand. He had been taken off the ventilator early in the week, finally able to breathe on his own. A good sign of progress, the doctors had said. Roxy didn't think she could take this pace of 'progress'.

Eggsy had come through, buying up all sorts of ridiculous bouquets to place at Merlin's bedside. He had been her support when she needed it, probably happy to have his lover safe in his arms at night for a change. Harry and he both had been life savers, helping her with dinners when she couldn't face the memory of their kitchen. They helped her pack what she would need to live in one of the guest rooms at HQ for a few weeks. Eggsy had taken up residence across the hall a few days later, Harry following when he could finally leave the shop in London for more than an hour.

Roxy wondered if it was because they thought she wasn't handling it properly. If there was some certain method to cope and deal and maybe she had just been forgetting all this time. Yes, there must be, she just had to figure it out. To remember her training and it would come to her.

"Please," she whispered, pressing Merlin's hand to her face, to feel his skin again, as tears formed at the corner of her eyes. Still whatever she needed wasn't forthcoming.

"I just… _please,"_ she cried, letting the tears run free. This wasn't fair, Merlin should be safe, her mind rebelled at the idea of him here, still fighting for his life.

"Please, please, please." The mantra tore from her throat, as she collapsed forward onto his legs, burying her face into one of his thighs to try and stop the tide of pain wracking her body.

" _Please,_ you need to wake up," she begged, "I _can't_ do this without you." The grief poured from her in huge shuddering waves that took control of her as she struggled to not let it drown her. It took ages for her to calm herself again, and as the last bit finally felt released, it was like she had been emptied onto the floor, nothing left to support her. Roxy sighed, blowing out a long breath, shivering to feel the weight on her shoulder finally loosening again.

Sitting up, she composes herself again, rubbing away the dried tear marks and fixing her hair to some semblance of order. She was ready then, as Eggsy came in, balancing a huge display of lilies and a tray with two takeaway cups of coffee.

She thanked him for the flowers, pressing a kiss to his cheek as she took them to the faucet to get some fresh water in them. Eggsy started talking about the trip in with them, how at least two agents are starting to suspect that he is sweet on Merlin. It makes Roxy laugh, which she knows is the point, but she falls for it just the same.

They sit by Merlin's side, discussing several ongoing matter inside Kingsman, some times addressing the comatose man, but often just to each other. Roxy keeps her hands free of her lover's, not sure she could handle breaking down again so soon.

When it gets late, they end up falling asleep in their chairs, since Harry isn't there to collect them.

The lingering grief is there in her dreams, as she chases after Merlin in a dark tunnel, never quite reaching the light and never quite getting to him. Her lungs burn as she runs from screaming for him to wait for her. Just as she begins to think the tunnel will never end, she skids to a stop on the ledge. An arm around her middle pulls her back to the safety of a warm body.

"I've got you," he says, in her ear. "I'm right here."

She closes her eyes, because even if it is a dream, he feels solid against her, a warmth that makes her feel like she's home. He runs a hand down the side of her face, before pushing back the hair above her ear in a soothing gesture. For a moment, she thinks she could fall asleep again here in his arms.

Leaning back, Merlin rubs Roxy's back and looks over at Harry. 'Thank you' he mouths to his friend.

Nodding, Harry reaches down and picks up his own lover this time, who still hasn't stirred despite the nurse already coming through to check over Merlin's return to consciousness. Exhaustion pulls at him, but Harry carries Eggsy out of Medical, with only a minimal glance back at the sleeping woman, finally at rest in Merlin's arm.


End file.
